“Held” – Natalie Grant

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our saviour
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

Everyone around me must be sick of hearing about “Hope”.  It’s been making a home in my mind for about a month now.  But the more I talk, the more I ask, the more I listen, the more I read, the more I cry it out to Him… the less I know.

Today I shared in our women’s prayer group that I was stuck on Exodus 4:11. I want answers. I explained that I have the sneaking suspicion that the answer is running parallel to the question, not meeting it head-on and solving it “once and for all”.

But I want “once and for all” answers.  I want to know why babies get sick or are born disabled and why parents die early and leave children alone and why people hurt people.  I want to figure it out. Our group leader spoke of the tension between what God’s Word says and the reality we experience every day and that the gap between the two often is- and will remain a “mystery”.

At the end we did an exercise of just ‘soaking’ in God’s presence. No conversation, just listening for Him. Which was near impossible for me.

My two-year-old loves to nuzzle into my chest or my neck when we watch TV. His ear finds a spot of exposed skin (or makes one for itself) and from there he listens to my heartbeat. His blinking and breathing slow and he starts to fiddle with the seam of his shirt, as he does when he is about to go to sleep. And when I hold him like this, it feels right and safe.

While we were “soaking” and after I had managed to banish thoughts of my To-do lists, I saw a picture of myself. I was cradled on Jesus’ lap, in the same way I hold my little one. He was making the same tiny rocking movements I would with Jonathan. My ear was against his chest. It felt right and safe.

I also saw words of warning: “Your breakthrough depends on how quiet you can get.” I don’t know about you, but “Quiet” is hard for me. I calculate, plan, pray, write, fight, cry and rehearse conversations in my head. It’s never quiet.

When I got home I decided to Google: “Be held” and the song above came up.  I dropped to my knees. “The promise was when everything fell, we’d be held”.  Please listen to it if you are like me and your “Why’s” are bigger than your “Yes Lord” ‘s.

It frustrates me when the little one wants me to pick him up because in a whiny voice he will repeat: “I want you“. Whether I am cooking or sitting right next to him or whether I am in the bath.  I will reassure him and repeat: “But I am right here,” and he will just repeat: “I want you.” And what he really means is: I want to be on you.

Lord, I want You.  I want to be on You. I want to hear Your heart about this matter of suffering, for myself.

And I hear Him say: “But I am right here”.

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