My Love,

I really wish we could do this on my couch or yours, with a cup of tea in hand and our knees drawn up. And close enough so I can just hug you whenever this gets too much.

But I can’t, so I need you to listen very carefully now. This is important:

It is or was never, ever, ever, ever, ever your fault. Do you hear me? Never, ever.

No matter how your body reacted to its natural impulses by becoming aroused, no matter which clothes you wore, no matter what you did to make him or her angry, no matter the bad choices you made after, no matter what, it was not your fault. You are not responsible for their actions. Ever. Got it?

Those are the weapons they use to make sure you keep their secret.  And they are lies.

That person who knew and didn’t say anything?

There are no cancers that eat away at the body and the mind like the cancer of  guilt and torment they will have carry around with them.  Forgive them for your own sake. I am not saying you have to deal with them again, but forgive them and let them go. Otherwise it’s just another stinking carcass you drag around behind you and I don’t want that for you.

It was not your fault

Oh sorry, have I said that?

Tell someone

If it is in the past, don’t fool yourself and think it will stay there. Joyce Meyer says: It’s what you keep in the dark that keeps you prisoner.

Find someone you trust (preferably a professional) and just say it out loud.

Once you do that I promise you it will start feeling lighter. Shame will no longer have such a hold on you. 

If it is still happening now… Honey, tell someone. And if that person doesn’t believe you, tell someone else and if they don’t, tell someone else.  Phone your local child abuse line. Until someone listens.  I’ll be praying that you find that person.

God is not angry with you

You are not a bad girl or boy or person.  What happened to you was not a punishment from God. You didn’t deserve it.  God loves you.

“Then why did it happen?”  I don’t know my Baby. I get very angry about it too.

This world is a sick and broken place and I know He weeps over that and it will be that way until we die or Jesus comes to take us to heaven with Him.

But I know that He is good. He is so good and He loves you so much, that He had a plan to make sure we don’t spend the rest of eternity in this hell-hole:

To come to earth Himself and experience all the brokenness and yet not to sin, so that He could die as a perfect payment for our and this whole world’s sins and debt.

He loves you and He would have died even it if it was only for you.

You are not dirty. God is not angry with you. He says He is “near to those who are brokenhearted.” That’s you. Even if you got involved with sex, pornography, prostitution, drugs, alcohol, self-harming, whatever it was. He is waiting for you my Baby.  

Go to Him and tell Him how you feel. How angry you are. And how sorry you are for the choices you made. No matter what happened to you, He can use it for good. You can help others in a way no one else can!

Be kind to yourself

Please? This is a hard road. It has its ups and downs and one day you will feel like you’re over it and then you will see a picture of yourself as a child and feel as if you are back to square one.  Allow yourself to mourn your innocence. It was taken from you. But don’t stay there.

Take just the next step. Just the next step my Love, you can do it! I know you can!

This last one, you’re not going to like- and that’s OK

Forgive him or her. Not for them. Not to make the people around you more comfortable. For yourself. Do it for yourself.  Because my Angel, that is one burden you don’t want to carry for the rest of your life. It’s not worth it, really.  

I am not saying have a cup of tea with them and pretend everything’s fine.

I am not saying you must stop whatever legal procedures have been put into motion against them.

I am not saying: Forgive them only if they are sorry.

And I am not saying find blame in yourself for why it happened or why you deserved it.

I am saying forgive them so you can be free. Even if they are in jail or at the country club, or dead and even if they are not sorry.

Not now. When you’re ready. When you realise you are focusing on your hate for them, more than your journey to healing. Do it. Even if they don’t know you’ve forgiven them.

And I will ask God to redeem your memories. To give you new memories. 

That is it my Love. All of it. If you forget everything else, just remember: It’s not your fault and God loves you.

Will you let me know in the comments below or in an email (alletaliebenberg@gmail.com) how it goes?

I am not a professional at all, but I would love to encourage you.

If you are not in a church – please find one in your area that has good counselling facilities.

I love you and I am so proud of you. You are not alone. You are going to get through this!

Lots of love

Alleta

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