“They all think I am weird.”
“Aaargh why did I say that?”
“Did she just look away? Oh no! I am boring her! Aargh you idiot!”
“Shut up! Shut up! You are talking nonsense and they are probably trying to find a polite way to get out of the conversation.”
“I am pretty sure those girls are talking about me over there. Aargh I wish this floor could swallow me!”
A few years back, these were the thoughts running through my head when I had to go into meetings or social situations where I didn’t know everyone. Sometimes all of these thoughts at once. It. Was. Exhausting.
And I am willing to bet my thoughts sound familiar. Why? Type “Christians Insecurity” into Google and you will find hundreds of resources by well-known Christian leaders on the topic. Clearly, we are not alone. And none more so than women it seems. Off course, Christians are not the only ones who experience insecurity, but Jesus is and has been the answer to my insecurity so that is all I know.
What does insecurity look like?
When we hear the word “insecure” we tend to think of words like “shy”, “quiet”, “introverted” or “fearful” and rightly so. Those are the synonyms the dictionary suggests. The problem with true insecurity is, it can look like these, but it can also look like this: “brash”, “loud”, “judgmental”, “bitter”, “angry”, “funny”, “sarcastic”, “critical” or “the life of the party”. That certainly was the case with me.
Although all those thoughts were milling through my head, I wasn’t hiding in a corner hoping no one would see me. I was talking, laughing, joking, gossiping, shooting down people’s ideas or silently judging the person talking to me. I don’t expect anyone knew the level of my insecurity.
Was I a Christian? Sure! Was I a good person in the world’s eyes? Definitely. But only I knew the truth.
I am able to see insecurity today in people I meet because I have been there and got the perfect T-shirt. I see women pushing other women away before they can get too close. Almost a case of: “Let me reject you before you reject me.” I see precious Daughters of the King acting out of a poverty of self-worth and suspecting that everyone around them is out to get them. Every Facebook profile update spews more: “I don’t need anyone” and “It’s not me, it’s you” and builds at the barbed wire fence around them.
And the sad truth is this: After a while, people get tired of trying to break through that fence and they give up. Either it is too hard to break through, or they assume that you just don’t need any more friends. And to the insecure, it just confirms what they believed all along: “There is something wrong with me.” In time, bitterness sets in permanently or you overcompensate with a no-care attitude.
The truth is, behind that menacing fence, is a sister, like you and me- hurting and lonely. Somewhere the lie that she is not “Enough” crept in and she allowed it to stay. But Jesus is an expert at dealing with those wounds.
Psalm 34:18 New King James Version (NKJV)
18 The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
In my next post, we will deal with the Cure for the Insecure and I will also give advice to those who have an Insecure person in their life. I promise you there is hope.