I don’t like conflict. No, that’s an understatement. I hate conflict. There is something about it that makes me seize up and start running the internal dialogue a lot louder and faster than usual.
If it’s in my personal life, I can’t rest until it is resolved, losing sleep and turning it over and over in my mind. What I could have done to avoid it, what I can do to fix it, what they can do to fix it etc. And if I experience conflict in my career it either sends me into “fix-it” overdrive or “head-for-the hills”-ville.
My oldest, who is probably the most like me (poor soul) also avoids conflict as far as humanly possible. A few weeks back he was involved in a situation where a mom spoke to his whole sports team because there had been gossiping. Even though it had not been his fault, he almost physically climbed into my side as I noticed him suddenly sitting very very close to me.
And I often chastise myself for this character-trait as being weak and other times I explain it away quoting “Blessed be the peacemakers”.
Today, while watching a clip about abuse (why do I do this to myself, I know) Terry Crews explained what it was like wetting the bed and wondering what his father’s mood would be like when he got home. For a split second I was there again, at my childhood home, watching the door, waiting to see my dad’s mood..wondering what would happen today.
And I realised. I hate conflict because I hate the way it makes/made me feel. It affects my body physically. And that a lot of my “peacemaking” is actually just “avoiding”, because I seldom if never address issues of conflict, pretending as if it didn’t happen at all.
And I don’t want my kids to grow up that way. It’s not too late. Better unpack it and deal with it with the help of my Father.
Surrender your anxiety–
Stand silent and stop your striving
And you will see that I am God!
I Am the God above all the nations,
And I will be exalted throughout the whole earth!
Here He stands!
The Mighty Lord of Angel-Armies is on our side!
The God of Jacob fights for us!
Psalm 46:10-11 TPT